I don’t like talking about my personal life online, but this is something I do want to share what’s been up with me lately to my siblings in Christ.

I’m currently 8 months into my healing journey from really bad anxiety (and probably depression too) that affected my entire life. The last 6 months have been mainly spent readjusting to normal life again. My main goal was to eat, sleep, and recover my strength. Now I feel like I’m being called to start digging into deeper healing through Christ and just life.

I call it a “ripping and remodeling” season. After being stuck in anxiety for over a year, different aspects of my identity are getting ripped out, including things I’ve attempted to suppress, and completely remodeling what those mean and look like to me before putting them back. There’s a lot moving around and changing in me internally like my inner child, future career, sexuality (I’m not gay, don’t worry), past incidents, personality, hobbies, and a lot more I can’t name on the top of my head.

It’s amazing to see how it’s all coming together but it’s also an extremely ugly process. I often have to come face to face with parts of myself and thoughts I’ve turned my nose from for over two years. Some of it I’ve felt like makes me less of a child of God. Recently though, I’ve learned that trying to cover up those things only makes things worse but scrambling to find the correct answer also makes it worse.

It’s all extremely frustrating, new, overwhelming, and exciting but the process is ugly and messy. But I think sitting in between all those things and God is what any person should do in a situation like this. I’m learning to not try and organize everything myself. That leads to overthinking. Instead, I’m sitting with that mess and God at the same time
and just being. Weirdly enough, I feel happier with myself, and it’s been motivating me to do better with my everyday life in order to actually feel like I’m living instead of surviving.